run for cover…

i summoned hell’s will to ignore, negate or perhaps reason myself to be unaffected, i still feel this pain
this gripping force inching its way to the left side of my chest. it’s not the hurt i’m scared of, it’s my familiarity to it… the numbness i carry with it. i just can’t believe i can’t hide behind my facade of insensitivity. wishing to forget that i even tried hiding it. hoping i was already immune. apparently, i still am not. this is pointless. you know too goddamned well what i CAN control and what i CANNOT. i’ve stood before you naked, stripped off pride and presumptions. yet it all boils down to the fact that we failed to define this undeniable state. im torn between allowing my feelings to show and allowing myself to even feel this. hell. is it wrong? perhaps. but it’s worse to move on assuming everything’s fine. at this point, you know too well what you’re capable of. what saddens me is the fact that i can’t get used to it nor i will be EVER. even if the pain is familiar, it never ceases to hurt more than what i can fathom. i’m sorry. i don’t want to say it. it will kill me. i only have my pride to protect. experience have taken everything away from me except my pride. this shitty feeling always gets in the way. it sometimes even let me forget that i have pride. well, maybe it isn’t pride. maybe it’s just the truth. but then again… i’m too proud to tell the truth.
-9-

it’s hard when you find out that the one person that made you strong is the only one that can make you give up, not out of weakness but despair. i did not lose, i am merely at a loss. how can the only person i allowed to see my vulnerability be the one to crush me? he used this opportunity because i let him. i took my guard down. i’ve let my guard down for him for more than 4 years now. i’ve said it before that you will only feel the amount of hurt you allow yourself to feel. i guess it’s not totally true at this point. someone can actually inflict pain, far more than you’re prepared and allowed yourself to consider.

YOU did that to me. i can never forgive you or myself for letting this happen. i don’t feel any hatred at this point. nor do i feel that love still binds this relationship. all i know is that you gave your word, promised to take a stand at something that you said you are capable of handling. your own son is a very good reason to be responsible for. however, i guess some people are more complex and stubborn than most. you have lied not only to yourself but to me and our family. i hated you for this. you know i still love you but you also understand that what you did qualifies me for killing you without remorse. i may be able to kill you physically. however, it willl take some time and a whole lot of effort to forget all the things you’ve done and have neglected about me. i tried to kill you a thousand times in my R.E.M. i still fail to do so. if the feeling of remorse can kill, you’d be dead the minute you knew me. i will have my revenge. i just don’t know when but i definitely know how. i hope you have a nice life. i hope you don’t screw your mom because it’s a miracle to have a mom like that. take care of your mom you BRAT! i didn’t have a mom to take a stand for me. you DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE! YOU PIECE OF WORK. i hope you do realize that at the end of all shitty stories is a realization that it’s either you have to change or you have to accept all the shitty things that’s happening. i hope it’s the latter that you’re prepared to face because i’ve been SICK and TIRED of having to face your SAME SHIT every time. have a nice life i always say right? well, for a change, I HOPE YOU ROT in HELL. - death blooms in more ways than one.